Survey results: A marriage like that of your parents?

By Lavern Nissley

Last Tuesday we invited blog recipients to complete a simple survey regarding your parents and the example they provided.

The actual survey statement was: "My parents demonstrated for me a healthy model of marriage to emulate." Five possible responses were available to select: Strongly agree, Agree, Undecided, Disagree, Strongly disagree.

Want to see the results?

Out of 44 responses 73.7% were negative (Disagree or Strongly disagree). Positive responses (Agree or Strongly agree) totaled 23.7%. Only 4.5% were Undecided.

• Strongly agree - 3
• Agree - 7
• Undecided - 2
• Disagree - 11
• Strongly disagree - 21

Of those responding positively, corresponding comments included the following:

• "They are still together after 55 years and are still each other's best friend. At 74, they still hold hands express their love."
• "They were openly loving and respectful of each other.  They laughed together a lot."
• "The more time that passes I have come to see some glaring deficiencies in their emotional connection and health. However, they were great parents that created a safe and loving environment. They modeled faith in a genuine way. They stayed married and committed for 50 years though I am sure that wasn't easy sometimes.'
• "It was a given that my parents worked together, discussed problems and ideas together. Together they raised their family to instill values and priorities.  Not a lot of touch and feel and verbally saying I love you, but it was ALWAYS demonstrated that they supported and loved us.  Never in doubt.  Always there for me and my siblings."

Of those responding negatively, some heartbreaking reflections:

• "Lots of toxicity in communication and conflict resolution. While I love my parents, we thankfully have found better tools than they had."
• "My mother berated my father to the point that he had no self worth. He was not able to work due to a chronic debilitating disease, and she never let him forget that she was the breadwinner."
• "Grew up without my father being in the house most of the time, but when he was there he was very abusive (physically and verbally) to my mother and us children."
• "Both of my parents are on their 4th marriage. I remember coming home as child and plants being all over the wall where they had thrown them in a fight. I have no memories of my parents doing anything as a couple or as a family. I was 8 when they divorced and witnessed both marry and divorce again."
• "My dad lied and cheated a lot, they argued frequently (lots of shouting in front of me), and my dad left abruptly when I was 13 for another woman."
• "My parents did not show each other love, affection or even respect.  They did not enjoy spending time together."
• "Mother was the boss of the family. They don't show love by feelings or affection. But they provided. Wasn't brought up in a Christian home."
• "Conflict was handled in very unhealthy ways through yelling, door slamming, withdrawal, etc."
• "Lack of communication was the model that I was shown. Arguing was their form of communication. This taught me what not to do if anything."
• "Dad was dominant, didn't encourage mom to grow as a person."
• "My parents were divorced by end of middle school and each remarried by end of high school.  A lot of impression was made during those years in relation to marriage. Luckily I had close grandparents I was able to model as they were married for 60 years."

Pretty sad and depressing, is it not? What kind of an imprint must these kinds of childhood experiences leave upon innocent observers?

Although the past cannot be changed, fortunately, we can choose our future. A relationship different from our parents, who likely were simply repeating what they saw in their parents.

Part of our vision at Encompass Connection Center is: "Family trees forever changed." We've seen hundreds of couples choose a more positive future for themselves and their children. Let this bring you hope and encouragement!

For further study and insight . . .

Lavern facilitated a 40 minute presentation at the Gathering Lunch Series January 24, 2020 on Pursuing Your Spouse and Family. He refers quite transparently on the impact of his parents' marriage and parenting. See the brief video preview or the entire presentation below. Download the outline, if you wish.

Outline of presentation - front

Outline of presentation - back

lunch_series_pursuing_spouse_and_family.pdf
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Preview 1:14 min

Entire presentation 38:51 min