Your hands say more than your mouth

Our theme for blog posts this month is "more than words." That may sound a bit vague or even ominous, but our writers have been given freedom to develop their relationship reflections that somehow relate any communication beyond words.

By Lavern Nissley
Encompass Executive Director

I opened our garage door from the inside as Ronda returned from grocery shopping. I was planning to help her unload.

​A tinge of concern hit me as I noticed her struggling to back into the garage in a straight line. Then her passenger side mirror lightly touched the mirror of our other vehicle parked in the driveway. She stopped, got out, and joked about the awkward position she was leaving the vehicle in.

After putting the groceries away together, I thought I'd bring up her backing challenges as this wasn't the first time I had seen her struggling. So, here are the words that came out of my mouth. (You'll need to click the button below to see what they were!)

"Should we be concerned about your backing up?"

I know, I could have framed that more artfully. But something about my tone or timing pushed a button for Ronda, and before we knew it, our emotions were at level red. DANGER! Keep going, and you'll regret it!

After cooling off we were able to talk through what happened. (After all, we're RINGS facilitators, and we know what we're dealing with here, right?)

Then Ronda called attention to a nonverbal action of mine that feels condescending and patronizing to her. As I was attempting to communicate my perception of what happened, hoping it would calm her, apparently, I did something with my hands - best described as doing a piano-playing pose, fingers pointing down and playing an imaginary keyboard about waist height. Not pounding the keys, more of a gentle, peaceful melody.😊

Huh? How is this condescending and patronizing?

This incident occurred several weeks ago, but this morning, in another conversation during our RINGS chat, Ronda again called attention to my piano-playing pose. Like in the situation several weeks ago, I was trying to bring calm and reassurance, but the nonverbals were off-putting to her.

What's the point of sharing these anecdotes, you ask?

Did you know that when it comes to relational communication NONVERBALS are more significant in impact than the WORDS being spoken? The famous Mehrabian studies on nonverbal impact from 1967 showed the following: Communication is . . .

• 7% words (actual content of message)
• 38% tone (the emotional delivery vehicle in our vocal intensity, pitch, and variation)
• 55% nonverbal (what we're doing with our eyes, hands, arms, etc.)

Most of us are not conscious of the 93%; but it serves as a clue on what we're really feeling or trying to say.

Here's the bottom line: Nonverbal communication is also communication in that it sends powerful subconscious messages. For Ronda, my piano-playing gestures felt like I was trying to calm her down when she really was needing validation that I understood her point of view. It's a reminder to me to be aware of what I'm doing with my hands when responding to her messages.

So, if you see me trying to play an "air piano" in response to an emotionally laden communication, you have my permission to call me out! 

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Our relationship skills courses go into more depth on communication dynamics. Sometimes it's helpful to stop and gain insights on the HOW and WHAT of communication.

RINGS for couples

REACH for Individuals

Parenting for Kid's Sake

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