when loyalty becomes codependency

By: Abby Glaser
Encompass Community Advocate

As a relationship educator, one of my favorite things is personality types and tests! I think they are a fun way to understand ourselves better and understand how we function in relation to others. Because I use such tests in my classes I’ve spent a lot of time studying and understanding them. This has led me to have a pretty good understanding of my own strength and growth areas. This has come up for me recently in a relationship where I’m starting to realize one of my strengths, loyalty, has become a growth area. Let me explain! 

​For those of you who are personality type junkies like me, I’m an enneagram 8, Meyer’s Briggs INFJ and a DISC type ID. One of my greatest strengths is loyalty. While I make people work hard to earn it in the first place, once they have it I tend to stay loyal forever. However, I struggle to let go of that loyalty when circumstances deem it toxic for me. In my current situation, I’m recognizing that my loyalty to that person has turned into codependency, which isn’t healthy for either of us.

“Codependency is a dysfunctional relationship dynamic where one person assumes the role of “the giver,” sacrificing their own needs and well-being for the sake of the other, “the taker.” Healthy relationships are mutually beneficial, providing love and support to both parties. Codependent relationships, on the other hand, are one-sided, casting one person in the role of constant caregiver. By being caring, highly functional, and helpful, that person is said to support, perpetuate, or “enable” a loved one’s irresponsible or destructive behavior.” PsychCentral's Signs of Codependency.

So when does loyalty veer into codependency?

• When caring for another’s needs becomes one sided as opposed to mutual.
• When one party continuously sacrifices their own wants and needs to keep the other party happy.
• When one avoids conflict or confrontation to keep the peace.
• When one regularly does things they don’t want to do to keep the other person satisfied.
• When one tolerates treatment or behaviors that are unacceptable in order to prevent abandonment.

Loyalty is a great quality and one those close to me appreciate in me. I’m dependable and can always be counted on. However, I’m working towards being more in tune with whether those relationships are reciprocal. Does this other person bring the same level of devotion to the table? Am I being loyal to people who no longer deserve it? That can be hard to navigate on your own. In my case, it often requires processing with my therapist to unravel. Sometimes we need an outside perspective to help us see things more clearly. Any strength we have has the potential to become a growth area if we don’t keep it in balance. This is why I find a practice of self-reflection so vital! The more we develop the ability to look in the mirror unflinchingly, the more we grow in the areas we need it most! 

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