Encompass Connection Center
  • Home
  • About ECC
  • Couples
    • Free Relationship Assessments
    • The RINGS Experience
    • Wedding checklist (UK)
  • Families
    • Free Parenting Assessment
    • Parenting for Kid's Sake
    • The REACH Experience
  • Organizations
    • FREE Workplace Teams Assessment
    • Work Smart, Live Well
  • Donate
  • Get in touch
  • BLOG
PRACTICAL TIPS & INSIGHTS FOR YOUR

RELATIONSHIPS

Two core reasons for every conflict

11/25/2019

3 Comments

 
Picture
By Lavern Nissley
(Adapted from a presentation by Les and Leslie Parrott, well known relationship authors and educators)

In our almost 41 years of marriage Ronda and I have become experts at conflict. Experts in failure, that is.

But we continue to learn and gain insights into our own foibles and tendencies. You’ll get an inside look into a “prickly” we had just this past week! And a helpful tool that we recently added to our conflict resolution toolkit.
Turkey, check. Mashed potatoes, check. Salad, check. Buns, check. Apple pies, check.

Before leaving for work last Tuesday morning I was loading the dinner we were providing for our board that evening. Ronda had done a great job pulling it all together. Then . . .

Ronda: “Do you think you’ll be able to get this all to the right places? I mean you can’t just leave it in the car when you get to work.”
Lavern: “Uh, yeah, that’s the plan.” (Feeling puzzled)
Ronda: “I feel like if I want it done right, I have to do it myself.”
Lavern: (Feeling REALLY puzzled) “Do you see that I’m loading up everything? That felt like a jab.”
Ronda: (Close to tears) “You sometimes give me the feeling that you don’t want to help. With the vertigo I’ve been going through I just can’t do it myself.”
Lavern: “Honey, I’m glad to help! Is there something recent where you’ve felt I’m not wanting to help?”
Ronda: “Well, several weeks ago you left those chicken breasts in the car trunk.”
Lavern: (She had a valid point there. The smell in our garage was getting worse and worse until she discovered the ill-fated chicken breasts just chilling and smelling things up in the trunk.)
Ronda: “You’ve had a few lapses recently that make me feel like some things aren’t important to you. It kind of affects my trust in your follow through.”
Lavern: (Thinking, “Ouch!”) “Well that just hurts and makes me feel inadequate.” (Also thinking,  “Especially since I’m being such a good husband right now with every intention to transport and deliver this food!”)
Ronda: “Well just leave the food. I’ll take it myself.”

One thing we’ve learned about most conflicts is that it’s usually not about about what’s going on at the surface. Most often it’s deeper.

Take a look at this illustration from Les and Leslie Parrott. Which element was Ronda dealing with? Which was I dealing with?
Picture
​As you think about conflicts close to your own life, are you able to identify with these two elements?

Ronda and I came together later and talked through things productively, able to empathize with the other’s vantage point.

I was challenged to be more mindful of ways I had been neglecting her. Check.

And she took responsibility for her tone that came through as a threat to me. Check.

Thanks, Les and Leslie, for helping us understand ourselves better!
Picture
3 Comments
Kim Griffith
11/27/2019 06:33:26 am

Appreciate your willingness to share these "real" moments! But more importantly, how to resolve them! So important to hit "pause" in the moment but commit to resolve as soon as possible! Love you guys!

Reply
Kermit
11/28/2019 01:21:22 am

Way to go, Kim!

Reply
Nancy link
5/27/2020 11:19:45 am

Thank you so much for putting this into something I can show my husband that we are not the only people that go through this and I am not out to get him with my words. Feeling are real even. We had almost the same conversation last week. Needless to say it didn't end the same. One step forward, two steps back. We'll get there, it's a process.

Reply

Your comment will be posted after it is approved.


Leave a Reply.

    Subscribe

    * indicates required
    Picture

    Hosts

    Lavern & Ronda Nissley are co-directors of Encompass. Married since 1978, both enjoy coffee, riding their tandem bicycle and working together to build strong relationships.

    TOPICS

    All
    5 Love Languages
    Abuse
    ACE Score
    Achievement
    Aging
    Amygdala Hijack
    Anger
    Any Relationship
    Apologizing
    Asking Great Questions
    Attention
    Bids
    Busy Calendar
    Change
    Children
    Children And Divorce
    Christmas
    Coaching
    Commitment
    Communication
    Competition
    Conflict
    Confronting
    Connection
    Consequences
    Counseling
    Couples
    COVID
    Date Night
    Death
    Deposits
    Divorce
    Emotions
    Empathy
    Especially For Couples
    Especially For Families
    Especially For Organizations
    Exercise
    Expectations
    Falling
    Family Business
    Family Trees
    Fatherhood
    Fathers
    Fear
    Finances
    Forgiveness
    Fun
    Generational Trends
    Genetics
    Getting Along
    Getting Things Done
    Giving
    Grandchildren
    Gratitude
    Grief
    Grieving
    Healthy Eating
    Healthy Lifestyle
    Holidays
    Humility
    Humor
    Illness
    Infidelity
    In Laws
    In-Laws
    Insomnia
    Intimacy
    Kindness
    Leadership
    Learning
    Legacy
    Listening
    Live Well
    Long Distance
    Loss
    Love
    Love Defined
    Marriage
    Minimalizing
    Morale
    Offenses
    Office Culture
    Our Stories
    Outcome Orientation
    Parenting
    Parenting Adult Kids
    Peace
    Personality
    Planning
    Polarization
    Power Of 2
    Praying Together
    Preparation
    Proactivity
    Problem Orientation
    Productivity
    Research
    Restoration
    Retirement
    RINGS Chat
    RINGS Experience
    Romance
    Romantic Attraction
    Satisfaction
    Schedule
    Screen Use
    Siblings
    Sleeping
    Smartphones
    Stress
    Success
    Suicide
    Surprises
    Survey
    Talking
    Teamwork
    Teens
    Timeouts
    Traits
    Transformation
    Understanding
    Valentine's Day
    Virtual Relationships
    Wedding
    Withdrawals
    Working Out
    Work Smart

    Archives

    September 2023
    August 2023
    July 2023
    June 2023
    May 2023
    April 2023
    March 2023
    February 2023
    January 2023
    December 2022
    November 2022
    October 2022
    September 2022
    August 2022
    July 2022
    June 2022
    May 2022
    April 2022
    March 2022
    February 2022
    January 2022
    December 2021
    November 2021
    October 2021
    September 2021
    August 2021
    July 2021
    June 2021
    May 2021
    April 2021
    March 2021
    February 2021
    January 2021
    December 2020
    October 2020
    September 2020
    August 2020
    July 2020
    June 2020
    May 2020
    April 2020
    March 2020
    February 2020
    January 2020
    December 2019
    November 2019
    October 2019
    September 2019
    August 2019
    July 2019
    June 2019
    May 2019
    April 2019
    March 2019
    February 2019
    January 2019
    December 2018
    November 2018
    October 2018
    September 2018
    August 2018
    July 2018

Picture

FIND IT QUICKLY

Refer A CLIENT
Schedule meeting
SHOP RINGS PROGRAM
bring rings to my area

STAY CONNECTED

OFFICE HOURS

MON 9a-2p
TUE 9a-2p
WED 9a-2p
THU 9a-2p
​Other hours by appointment
call us

VISIT US

616 N. Limestone St. | Springfield, OH
Funding is provided by Clark County Job and Family Services, The Turner Foundation, Springfield Foundation, Buckeye Health, private donations and fees.
​Program content is the sole responsibility of Encompass Connection Center and does not necessarily represent the views of the funders.
Encompass Connection Center services are provided to all eligible persons on a non-discriminatory basis. Encompass Connection Center complies with all applicable laws and regulations concerning discrimination does not discriminate on the basis of the potential participant's race, gender, gender orientation, age, disability or religion.

​Registered 501(c)(3). EIN: 37-1485217
  • Home
  • About ECC
  • Couples
    • Free Relationship Assessments
    • The RINGS Experience
    • Wedding checklist (UK)
  • Families
    • Free Parenting Assessment
    • Parenting for Kid's Sake
    • The REACH Experience
  • Organizations
    • FREE Workplace Teams Assessment
    • Work Smart, Live Well
  • Donate
  • Get in touch
  • BLOG