Spot on marriage advice

By Lavern Nissley
(Danny Meyer is a former pastor and overseer in the Association of Vineyard Churches)

If you are married, please stop and take 2 minutes to read some super marriage advice from a May 18, 2018 Facebook post by Danny Meyer, a personal friend and acquaintance. In this brief post he offers incredibly humble and transparent reflections on his 44 year marriage to Penny. No self-promoting heroism at all!

Seriously . . . This. Is. Good. Stuff!

I NEED TO MAKE SOMETHING VERY CLEAR.

Penny and I are grateful for the kind words of encouragement, care and concern. We also are flattered by the comments implying that we have a relationship that inspires others and seems “very special”. 

BUT UNDERSTAND THIS.

I do believe our relationship is very special. BUT you need to understand that it involved a lot of hard work over many years! Over the 44 years we have been married, we have seen 3 different marriage counselors for many months at a time.

We both are strong willed individuals. I can be very self centered and controlling. Penny would acknowledge a fiery Texas temper. We both entered marriage with many unhealthy patterns in our communication, conflict resolution and ability to forgive and ask forgiveness. None of these things were in place when we said I do. 

Penny comes from a smaller town in the Texas panhandle. I come from the suburbs of New York City. Our cultures are very different! When our families got together at our wedding reception it was like the “Starwars Bar”. 

All this is to say our “special relationship” didn’t come naturally, easily or quickly. It took a lot of hard work over many years (and that deliberate work continues). So please don’t look at our relationship as if some marriages are “charmed” and others just don’t have what it takes to have a good marriage. Any good marriage takes a commitment to work hard!

Here are a few things we learned through years of trial and error with many ups and downs. 

In a good marriage:

1. Partners focus on what they need to do to grow and change their own behavior not just trying to change their partners behavior. (This probably took the first 5-10 years to even accept much less to try to do!)
2. Partners have to get really good at asking forgiveness even if the other person isn’t fully owning their wrong behavior. I remember one of our counselor’s listened to Penny and I go at each other during a session. He finally turned to me and said, “Danny, why can’t you just say to Penny “ I was wrong, please forgive me”. I looked at him in stunned silence. It never dawned on me that that was an option!!!
3. Forgiveness must be extended with no strings attached. No IOU’s! (This is essential and definitely not for the faint hearted)
4. We had to learn how to fight fair! All marriages will have arguments. Special marriages learn how to do this so there is minimal collateral damage and so both parties feel heard. We read a very helpful book called “Fighting For Your Marriage” by Howard J. Markman, Scott M. Stanley, Susan L. Blumberg. I credit this book for saving our marriage and on more than one occasion, saving my life. (Penny says she never considered divorce however she has considered murder from time to time)
5. It is easy for couples to get stuck in a bad pattern. ASK FOR HELP! (Counselors, Pastors, a wise friend can provide a couple with the outside perspective that often is essential)
6. For Penny and I, we would have never made it 44 years if it wasn’t for our faith. We are all broken. The best of intentions don’t cut it! Nor does our own effort and determination. I firmly believe God has worked in us slowly but persistently and gave us the ability to change. 

​So we are flattered with the kind words about our marriage. I do think we have arrived at a “very special marriage”! But please don’t think it has always been a “fairytale”. Its been more like a “construction sight” that demanded hard work, lots of support and a whole lot of prayer!