Ring theory and what NOT to say to someone in crisis!

By Abby Glaser
 
I read a fantastic article this week addressing how to talk to someone experiencing crisis. I encourage you to read the whole article. It explains something called “Ring Theory”.

The gist of it is that the person experiencing the crisis is the center of the ring. The next circle is the individuals closest to them, often spouses, partners and immediate family. Each ring moving out from the circle represents how close to the crisis people are. 

The person in the center of the ring can say anything they want. For each corresponding ring, the individuals can share honestly with anyone outside their personal ring but not inside. For those in a “smaller ring” than ourselves, our role is to listen and support. What the article didn’t dive into much was “How do I do that?”
 
Let’s start with a few tips of what NOT to say to someone experiencing crisis!

1. Do not give unsolicited advice. It’s great that your aunt’s hairdresser beat cancer with alternative treatments. However, if the person diagnosed does not specifically ask for your input on their treatment, keep it to yourself.
2. Do not invalidate their crisis by comparing it to one of your own, this is not about you. Every crisis or loss is different so even if you have experienced something similar, it doesn’t mean you experience it in the same way. When someone shares something painful with us and we counter it with our own struggles it can unintentionally communicate that we aren’t recognizing their pain. Repeat in case you missed it: this is not about you.
3. Don’t communicate your fears or negative feelings to the person in the center, remember: Comfort IN, Dump OUT. The individual at the center of the crisis is struggling to survive in the moment, don’t ask them to also carry the emotional labor of how their crisis is affecting you.
4. Skip the platitudes. I know…this one is hard. Often when we don’t know what to say we can fall into the habit of platitudes. However, platitudes may make ourselves feel better ( “I said something soothing!”) but often are either unhelpful or hurtful to the individual suffering. For example, many times when someone suffers a traumatic loss, well-meaning people will say things like “God just needed them in Heaven!” or “Everything happens for a reason!”. While you may feel like you are offering comfort, what that person may be hearing is that there is a good reason their loved one died.

So what should you do to support and listen?

1. When in doubt start with simple phrases to express your condolences. “I am so sorry this happened to you.” “I am so sorry you are going through this.” “This must be so difficult.” While it’s human nature to want to say something that will make the other person feel better, the reality is that nothing you can say will do so. Less is more.
2. Listen well to whatever the person suffering needs to share. Be a safe place (empathetic witness) to their pain. Avoid platitudes, “fixing” or offering advice. The only response needed is reflecting the emotions they have shared. “It sounds like you are really scared by this diagnosis, I’m so sorry you are going through this.”
3. Offer practical support. Offer to run errands, bring food, babysit kids, handle car pool, pay a bill. Try to avoid statements like “Let me know if there’s anything I can do for you.” The person in the center ring is surviving and often is struggling to keep their head above water, trying to determine what they need and then communicate it to others can feel impossible. Offer to do things they may not think to ask for. I remember as a child my Mom would often offer to come pick up dirty laundry and return it clean for mothers experiencing health issues, a practical help and something some might be hesitant to ask for. Continue helping where needed as long as you are able. Often there is lots of help in the early days of a crisis but it can fall off quickly. Be willing to help long term if appropriate.

These are just some starting points on how to help someone dealing with a crisis but hopefully they are a good first step in loving and supporting someone struggling!