Parenting adult kids

By Ronda Nissley
Encompass Co-director

There is no shortage of resources available to teach us how to parent each phase of childhood from infants and toddlers to tweens and teens. But the plethora of guidance slows to a trickle when it comes to navigating our relationship with our adult kids.  At what point do we stop “parenting” – when they head off to college? When they move out of the house? Or maybe when they get married or have their first child. Our team at Encompass all agree that as our children transition into adulthood, our roles as parents do and should change.

In a non-scientific survey, I interviewed a number of people to see what their experiences were as adult children and what they would have preferred. Below is a composite of their responses along with a few of my own non-expert thoughts:
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• Treat them as adults - Don’t treat them as young children where you guide and direct their every step. This means allowing them to make decisions you don’t agree with - recognizing that they need to find their own path in life.
• Don’t expect them to parent you – be careful about unloading your marriage, health, financial or emotional issues on them. While they want to know how you’re doing, they don’t want to have to carry that burden for you.
• Share your wisdom and insight (without being critical) – Many times our adult children will voluntarily continue to seek our advice on a variety of topics. Often we have strong opinions as to what they should or shouldn’t do. Be assured – they probably already know what we think, and rarely is unsolicited advice appreciated. If you MUST share - try to use a “share and release” approach. Something like, “are you open to our thoughts/suggestions on this matter?” But then, let them know it’s their choice, and bite your tongue if they don’t listen.
• Be clear about expectations and preferences without “guilting” – Use phrases like “We’d love to have you stop over this weekend” vs. “You haven’t been around much lately”.
• Respect healthy boundaries – Your adult kids have their own lives and you have yours. You don’t have to do everything together. Family expectations differ in this area but most experts agree that healthy families are connected without being overly enmeshed.
• Respect their partner/spouse – This often starts in a serious dating relationship and continues into a marriage. Love them and welcome them into your family and your child’s life. Don’t even think about starting to give them advice. One helpful ground rule – when issues or conflicts arise - “blood talks to blood”.

For more information on this topic - Michelle Seitzer addresses this topic in greater depth in her article: Adult Children: The Guide to Parenting Your Grown Kids and provides some great information for each decade of life.