It's not just what you say, but how you say it

By Kermit Rowe
Encompass Relationship Facilitator

This month’s blog theme is “more than words.” So let’s take those three words and put them at the end of the following sentence to “explore the more” of a time-tested relational truth: Communication is more than words.

How do we communicate besides talking? Well, we should know because we certainly do it a lot. A Psychology Today article famously reported that only seven percent of our communication happens through words. That means 93 percent of your intended message is left up to tone and non-verbal cues. Other estimated percentages may vary a bit, but one thing is clear: When it comes to communicating in relationships, it’s more than words can say.

We say a lot … without realizing that we do. Some examples of non-verbal communication include body language, gestures, facial expressions, posture, movements, space, eye contact, and touch.

I want to focus on three that I’ve found in my time coaching Encompass Connection Center couples are among the most powerful, and potentially most destructive if ignored: eye contract, touch, and body language.

If the eyes are indeed windows to the soul, then it makes sense that most relationships, especially of the romantic ilk, begin with eye contact. Eye contact shows interest and engagement. Then relationships are strengthened by it. Eye contact shows that we care about a person and what they have to say. So the classic Sunday School song is true: Be careful little eyes what you see. But also be careful little eyes what you say!

Touch is another non-verbal. Making contact physically is often a precursor to connection to the heart and mind. It awakens and stimulates us. Hugs, cuddling, holding hands, even an encouraging pat on the back puts an exclamation point on our intended messages.
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Lastly, body language speaks loudly. Slouching communicates disinterest while leaning forward during a conversation communicates active involvement. Hand-wringing betrays nervousness while open hands shows an openness to receive. Folded arms during a conversation exhibits being closed or guarded about what is being said. Open arms equal an open mind.

The old axiom is so true: It’s not just what you say, but how you say it. If you are struggling with communication in relationships, Encompass can help. Just reach out to us at encompasscc.org to get started.

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