healthy boundaries

By: Abby Glaser
Encompass Community Advocate
 
As part of Mental Health Awareness Month, I want to talk about a key factor in protecting and improving your mental health: Boundaries!  The topic of boundaries has become much more popular in the past decade, but many don’t really know what the term “healthy boundaries” means or how to go about implementing them.  ​

I read a quote recently that said, “Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.” I thought that was such a great description. Boundaries allow us to not only love others in a healthy way but also help us love ourselves by not allowing things that may be harmful to us!  The Oxford Dictionary defines boundaries as “a limit of a subject or sphere of activity”. Boundaries differ from person to person and are affected by culture, personality, and social context. Boundaries appropriate at work would seem odd at a birthday party with our family. Setting boundaries defines our expectations of ourselves and others in different kinds of relationships. In simple terms: boundaries are the things we will and will not allow from other people.  

Setting boundaries requires awareness of yourself and what you want, effective communication skills to convey those wishes to others, and the assertiveness to do so.  
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• Start by thinking about what you do and do not want in a relationship. It could be that you would like your partner to use a lower volume when you disagree. It could be asking your friend to address areas of dissatisfaction with you directly versus another friend. It could be that you would like your coworker to not ask invasive questions about your personal life.  

 

• The next step is to communicate that with the individual it involves. You want to approach this discussion in a calm and nonconfrontational manner. Be clear and straightforward. It will be better received if you can communicate what you want as opposed to what you do not. For example: instead of telling your partner to stop committing you to events without your consent, you would ask them to please start confirming with you before committing. Just a slight change in wording can have a significant impact on how the other person receives the information. Try not to overexplain. Be clear and concise.  

 

• Part of communicating your boundaries is also being clear about what the repercussions will be if it’s not honored. For example, if you are setting a boundary with a family member that a certain topic is off the table and you would like them to stop bringing it up, a consequence of that might be that the next time they bring it up you will leave. It’s not a punishment, it’s a guideline for the other person in how to treat you. Again, you are communicating to others what you will and will not tolerate.  

 

• Lastly, you may feel some discomfort when this practice is new. You might feel anxious, guilty or mean setting a boundary. It’s OK to feel uncomfortable with a new skill but the more you practice it the easier it will become! Remember that boundaries keep both parties safe in a relationship and will help you have a healthier one!  

If this information is new to you, it might feel scary or overwhelming. If that’s the case, there are lots of great resources out there to help you learn more. You could also try “practicing” with someone you feel safe with. Over time, you will find yourself both more aware of what your boundaries are and more comfortable expressing them!

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Are you having difficulty establishing boundaries in your relationships? We can help! We'll give you some valuable tools to use and walk alongside you through the process or if you feel more comfortable, you can choose a virtual option. Get in touch or learn more by following the links below! ​

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