Healthy and unhealthy boundaries in marriage

​By Lavern Nissley

A woman asked this question to a marriage and family expert: "How do I love my spouse, but still express my own voice and needs?" (Barbara G.)

The underlying question actually has to do with boundaries, and whether they are healthy or unhealthy.

The marriage and family expert then proceeded to lay out a framework for evaluating the health of boundaries. You'll want to see this simple, sensible and visual distinction.

According to Alison Cook, posting the response on April 16, 2020, there are two general extremes that illustrate unhealthy boundaries:

• Being consumed - Your spouse pretty much dominates and overwhelms you by stating their needs clearly, but not picking up on your needs. You've become overshadowed by deferring to their preferences. You might feel like:
  • My needs don't matter.
  • I have to do it his/her way.
  • I can't be myself.
  • When decisions are made, I don't have a say.
• Being too distant - The two have you have grown far apart and are living separate lives, not operating as a team. You might feel like:
  • I don't even know who he/she is anymore.
  • He/she doesn't know what I want or need.
  • I am on my own emotionally and spiritually.
  • We are more like roommates.

​Here's a visual representation of the two extremes.

I can't even count the numbers of times couples have approached us over the past 30 years with these two sets of unhealthy boundaries. Unhealthy boundaries = major dissatisfaction. Fortunately, there are many insights and skills for couples to extract themselves from these two extremes! Check out the newly updated RINGS Experience which combines relationship EDUCATION and COACHING toward a healthy and satisfying relationship.

Healthy boundaries, on the other hand, are somewhere in the middle and lead to satisfaction and fulfillment.

• Being a team - You and your spouse share overlapping interests and have a strong connection AS A COUPLE. But you also have a sense of autonomy where each has your own interests AS AN INDIVIDUAL. Such boundaries feel like this:
  • We maximize our strengths and focus on things we like to do together.
  • We don't agree on everything, but we seek to understand our differences.
  • I feel encouraged by my spouse to pursue my God-given talents. I also support him/her.
  • My spouse supports me emotionally. I also support him/her in times of need.

​Here's the visual of this boundary.

Which of these three boundaries represent your current relationship? You may even want to subdivide your relationship into categories like parenting, vocation/work, spirituality, hobbies and leisure, money, and sex.

And if you need help sorting this out, we're here to help. We're a phone call or mouse click away. And we love to see "family trees forever changed."