Everywhere a sign

By: Cindee Johnson
Encompass Relationship Coach

Orange barrels. No trespassing. Yield. Under construction. Do not enter. Danger. No outlet. Stop. Do you ignore these cautionary signs? Hopefully not! They are meant to protect you.

Do you know there are cautionary signs for our relationships, too? Although these aren’t posted quite so clearly along life’s journey, they can become glaring warnings, especially in communication and conflict.

As the 5 Man Electrical Band sang in 1970, “Sign, sign, everywhere a sign.”

But... what are the signs?

How do we identify them?

Where do we get help in understanding them?

Relationship researcher John Gottman has identified“ Four horsemen” seeking to destroy marriages. They ride in with signs we can’t afford to ignore. Gorman describes the four like this:

• Criticism - Criticism is an attack on your partner’s character at the very core. In effect, you are dismantling their whole being. Criticizing your partner is different than offering a critique or voicing a complaint. When criticism becomes pervasive, it lays the foundation for contempt.
  
• Contempt - Treating others with disrespect, mocking with sarcasm, ridiculing and eye-rolling all are types of contempt; all make another feel worthless. Contempt goes far beyond criticism. While criticism attacks character, contempt assumes a position of moral superiority over another and is fueled by long-simmering negative thoughts about the partner.
  
• Defensiveness - When we feel unjustly accused, we fish for excuses and play the innocent victim so our partner will back off. Rarely is this successful. Excuses just tell our partner we don’t take the concerns seriously and we won’t take responsibility for our mistakes. Defensiveness really is just a way of blaming your partner, and it won’t allow for healthy conflict management.
  
• Stonewalling - Usually a response to contempt, stonewalling occurs when the listener withdraws, shuts down, simply stops responding. Rather than confronting the issues with their partner, people who stonewall make evasive maneuvers such as tuning out, turning away, acting busy, or engaging in obsessive or distracting behaviors.

Do you recognize any of these signs in your marriage? In other significant relationships? Identifying and understanding the signs of the Four Horsemen is a necessary first step to eliminating them.

Encompass Connection Center helps couples learn how to create fulfilling, productive relationships for years to come.  We offer a free relationship assessment to determine your relationship’s strengths and potential threats. For additional help, look into our RINGS Experience, which includes marriage strengthening exercises and a coaching model to help build real intimacy and growth skills. We'll also help you to break those destructive patterns that may negatively impact generations.

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