A fresh Start: After the Storm

By Lavern Nissley
Encompass Executive Director

Have you ever wanted a do-over in a relationship? A sort of golf mulligan where you didn't like the outcome of your shot, and you know it could be much better if you had a chance to try again?

Another picture of a fresh start is the feeling you have after a ferocious thunderstorm has passed, the clouds are clearing, and the sun is coming back out with a refreshing warmth.

How do we experience such fresh starts in relationships with others? That's what this series in March is all about. What you're about to see is remarkably simple, yet requires great wisdom and sensitivity to do it well. It could be as simple as a chuckle. But don't do it until you've read further!

I've noticed something about humor in relationships. If done appropriately (not cutting or sarcastic), humor can actually be a sign of the relationship returning to wholeness and health after being "prickly". Hearing Ronda laugh after we've been at odds with each other is like a cold glass of water on a muggy day. It says "we're OK again."

Erin & Todd Stevens of Marriage Week USA had this to say about humor in a recent emailed post:

"When we laugh, chemicals like endorphins and oxytocin enter our bloodstream. You may have already known those chemicals trigger feelings of pleasure. It turns out they also cause us to feel more connected to the person we’re laughing with. This is one reason why laughing together is so important. Besides being a lot more fun than arguing about where the dirty laundry belongs, it is a proven indicator of greater relationship quality."

So, it would be helpful to have a few guidelines/guardrails to keep humor from backfiring:

• Don't rush it. Getting all "haha - LOL" prematurely can actually backfire and sabotage the return to wholeness. If the other party or your partner says something like, "You know, I'm not in the mood," you've rushed it.
• Test the waters by poking fun at yourself. This is in contrast to making the other party or your partner the object of laughter. "Not sure why I said that. It seemed right at the time, but man, what was I thinking!"
• Aim any humor toward reconciliation. There are hundreds of options on funny things to say. But many are counterproductive and don't move things in a positive direction. Ronda and I have a little exchange from The Lion King that we sometime launch into. We both know it to help us reset. One of us says: "I didn't mean to." The other one responds with "No one ever means to." And we both chuckle.
• ONLY WHEN BOTH ARE READY - share "prickly" encounters with friends and laugh together. It's good to allow some time to pass before launching into a "prickly" to be playful in poking fun at yourselves. When we had a bike fall in Denver last year, we were able to put a humorous spin on it through the text exchange with our kids below. You'll see 1) Ronda's intial text, 2) my "rebuttal", and 3) responses from Emily and Kristen.

Ronda's initial text

Lavern's "rebuttal"

Emily and Kristen respond!

Another gem from Erin & Todd Stevens, quoted earlier:

"A long-term study determined that married couples show more humor and tenderness toward each other as they age. Humor can certainly help us maintain a healthy perspective. When irritating issues inevitably crop up (like those smelly socks that aren’t really hurting anybody), addressing them in a humorous way can be one of the most effective ways of dealing with them. Playfulness allows us to surface a real issue, while avoiding being unnecessarily confrontational or critical. It also helps the “culprit” be more receptive, rather than feeling the need to be defensive."

Hopefully, humor is a part of your relationships, whether in marriage, in families, at work, in groups - wherever relationships can at times become "prickly." When used well it truly does provide a fresh start!​

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Are you in a difficult season of marriage? Encompass Connection Center helps couples learn how to resolve issues and create fulfilling, productive relationships. For many couples, those issues can stem from a lack of participation. Just like any problem, though, participation issues can be fixed. We offer a free relationship assessment to determine your relationship’s strengths and potential threats. For more help, look into our RINGS Experience, which includes marriage strengthening exercises and a coaching model to help build real intimacy and growth skills.

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