By Lavern Nissley
Experienced facilitator
Ronda and I have been married 48 years, and by my math — which Ronda would tell you is not always reliable — we get along about 95% of the time.
Then there's the other 5%, where we step onto our Crazy Cycle, a merry-go-round neither of us bought a ticket for, but both of us know how to keep spinning.
She may never actually say it, but what I hear from Ronda is: "How could you be so clueless?" And what she hears from me, underneath all my explaining,
is: "How can you be so unreasonable?" She escalates in emotion and attack about something I've done. I try to bring her emotion down by invalidating it.
She gets louder because she doesn't feel heard. I get more logical — or more silent. Round and round we go.
Let me confess a recent lap.
We were getting ready to head out of town for a weekend with family, and Ronda had been prepping ahead — including stir-fried vegetables for a breakfast casserole to be served during the weekend.
I didn't have that context in mind when I came home hungry from a long morning appointment and found rice and shredded chicken in the refrigerator, ready to microwave.
Black beans would have helped, but I couldn't find the can opener in any of the likely drawers. Back at the fridge, I spotted a small container of those vegetables, still warm.
Ronda must have just made them. She wasn't home, so I helped myself to just a small corner. Perfect addition, I thought. Later, Ronda came home and discovered my withdrawal.
"What were you thinking, Lavern? I prepared those for a breakfast casserole. You should have known not to eat them! And this isn't the first time you've done this kind of thing!"
I knew I'd crossed a line. "I didn't know they were for another meal — I'm sorry." "Well, what did you think they were for? You should ask before assuming I made them for general consumption.
Randomly stirring up some vegetables before we leave town is not something I normally do. Now I'm going to have to cut up more vegetables and fry them — like I don't have enough to do!"
She was right, and that fuller picture matters. This wasn't just a casserole for the two of us. She was trying to get us out the door and feed family for the weekend.
My "small corner" meant real work had to be done over, on a deadline. Her frustration wasn't unreasonable — it was what happens when careful work is treated, carelessly, as leftovers.
Guilt pricked my heart, so I offered to do it myself. But while I was cutting and frying, she continued: "I'm really mad, and I feel disrespected."
Oh, man, I thought. I'm trying to make this right, and she's taking it up another notch!
So I chose to be absolutely quiet, so I wouldn't trigger anything else. I knew I was withdrawing and not engaging, but honestly, it felt kind of good to block her emotionally.
There it is — my move, in a quieter costume. I wasn't yelling. I was shutting the door. To me, silence felt like self-control. To Ronda, it felt like dismissal.
Exiting the cycle doesn't start with winning it. I've tried. My record is not impressive.
It starts with naming it: "Wait. We're doing it again." That is an exit ramp.
Second, I have to validate before I explain — or before I disappear. "I can see why you feel disrespected" is not surrender. It's listening. When Ronda feels heard, she doesn't have to get louder.
Third, I have to own my part without a "but." I ate the vegetables. I should have asked, not assumed that warm and available meant mine — especially not on the eve of a trip. An apology without an eraser works much better.
The 5% will probably always visit us. We're two sinners who love each other, not two finished products. But we don't have to stay on the merry-go-round. We can step off, tell the truth about what's underneath the heat, and get back to the 95% — which, after 48 years, is still my favorite place to be.
Ready to Build the Connection Your Marriage Deserves?
The RINGS Experience helps couples strengthen communication, navigate conflict, and rebuild emotional connection — with practical tools that work in real life.
• Learn skills for honest, safe conversations
• Understand patterns that may be creating distance
• Build the foundation your relationship was designed to have
→ Take the Free Relationship Assessment