What If Growth in Your Marriage Starts with You?

By Kermit Rowe

Encompass Facilitator

It's Easy to See the Problem in Our Spouse

If you're married—and if you're honest—you've probably found yourself asking, "Whose fault is this?"

Most of us have. Whether in our thoughts, our conversations, or even our prayers, it's easy to focus on what our spouse needs to change instead of considering our own response. We convince ourselves that if they would just do things differently, our relationship would be better. But what if a healthier marriage begins by looking at ourselves first? My hope is to challenge the way we think about conflict so we can make wiser choices the next time it comes.

I was recently reading a FamilyLife blog by Lisa Lakey addressing this very topic, and it really got me thinking about my own marriage and the marriages of the people I have the blessing of helping as a long-time relationship coach at Encompass Connection Center.

A Better Question Than "Whose Fault Is It?"

Do we ever stop to ask ourselves whose fault it really is when our spouse messes up? Our first response is usually, "Well, duh. They messed up, so obviously they're at fault." And there's certainly truth in that. Each of us is responsible for our own choices because God has given us free will to decide how we'll respond. But is it all their fault, like we so often believe? Not so much. Our responses to our spouse are incredibly powerful. They shape the depth of intimacy we experience in our marriage, whether we've been married for decades or just weeks. Poor responses create distance. Healthy responses build connection. So, borrowing one of Jesus' favorite teaching methods—answering one question with another—what if growth in your marriage started with you?

Five Questions That Can Strengthen Your Marriage

1. Are You Truly Listening?

Would your communication improve if you made an intentional effort to listen more carefully to what your spouse is saying? There is a difference between hearing and listening. Hearing is a physical function. Listening is a choice of the mind and heart.

2. Are You Curious Enough to Ask One More Question?

Would you better understand your spouse if, when something they said wasn't clear, you simply asked one more question? The power of the extra question is one of the most effective communication tools we have, whether we're talking with our spouse or anyone else.

3. Is Vulnerability Deepening Your Connection?

Would your intimacy (we at ECC like to call it "into me see") grow if you were more willing to be vulnerable? Since vulnerability requires trust, I think we can all see the answer to that one... if we want to. And because vulnerability leads to empathy, and empathy leads to connection, we can also see why vulnerability is essential to a healthy marriage.

4. Are You Focusing on Strengths or Shortcomings?

What if, instead of dwelling on your spouse's shortcomings, you intentionally looked for their strengths? When we fixate on one weakness, we often lose sight of the many qualities we first admired. Appreciation changes the lens through which we see our spouse, and that often changes the atmosphere of the entire relationship.

5. Are You Making Time for Meaningful Conversations?

If you regularly set aside intentional time to communicate about the things that matter most, would you feel more valued, understood, and connected? Within the obvious answer to this question (hint: it starts with a "y," has an "e" in the middle, and ends with an "s") lies ECC's secret sauce.

Stronger Marriages Begin with Personal Growth

The next time you're tempted to ask, "Whose fault is this?" try asking a different question instead:

"What response can I choose that will strengthen my marriage?"

The answer won't always be easy, and it won't always feel fair. But healthy marriages aren't built by keeping score. They're built one choice at a time—through humility, grace, intentional communication, and a willingness to grow.

Building on the foundation of the RINGS Experience, we coach couples to strengthen their communication skills—and, as a result, their conflict resolution skills—using time-tested relational truths. Then we walk alongside them for as long as they need us.

A stronger marriage doesn't begin with changing your spouse—it begins with a willingness to grow yourself and grow together. Every healthy marriage is built one intentional choice at a time. If you're ready to take the next step, we'd be honored to walk alongside you on the journey.

Ready to Build the Connection Your Marriage Deserves?

The RINGS Experience helps couples strengthen communication, navigate conflict, and rebuild emotional connection — with practical tools that work in real life. 

• Learn skills for honest, safe conversations 

• Understand patterns that may be creating distance 

• Build the foundation your relationship was designed to have 

→ Take the Free Relationship Assessment

→ Learn About the RINGS Experience 

→ Schedule a Free Intake Conversation 

"Many couples begin with a free conversation where we simply listen and help identify next steps. There is no pressure — just a practical starting point."