Why Listening Matters: The Power of Talking Less in Relationships and Communication

By Lavern Nissley

Encompass Facilitator

That’s right. Just stop talking.  Not forever, of course. But perhaps long enough to let someone else speak.

Long enough to learn something.

Long enough to understand.  Most of us—unless we are naturally quiet—could probably benefit from saying a little less and listening a little more. In a world overflowing with opinions, commentary, interruptions, and constant noise, thoughtful listening has become surprisingly rare.  Many conversations today are not really conversations at all. They are competitions. People speak while others wait impatiently for their turn to speak again. Sometimes we listen only long enough to prepare our rebuttal, tell our story, or make our point.  Yet ancient wisdom consistently points us in another direction. 

I’ve always been intrigued by proverbs that address how much we speak. Here are a few: 

“The one who knows much says little; an understanding person remains calm.” 

“Even dunces who keep quiet are thought to be wise; as long as they keep their mouths shut, they’re smart.” 

“Observe the people who always talk before they think—even simpletons are better off than they are.” 

(From Proverbs 17:27, 28; 29:20, The Message) 

Those are not particularly flattering observations, but they are memorable because they ring true.  There is often wisdom in restraint. Silence can communicate patience, humility, self-control, and curiosity. Constant talking, on the other hand, can unintentionally communicate insecurity, pride, anxiety, or the need to control. 

This becomes especially important in relationships. 

In marriage, people often stop listening once conflict begins. Instead of trying to understand, they begin building arguments. Parents sometimes lecture when their children actually need understanding and guidance. Leaders can dominate discussions instead of drawing out the ideas and perspectives of others. Even friendships suffer when one person consistently controls the conversation.  Healthy communication is not built merely on speaking clearly. It is built on listening carefully.  One of my favorite authors and speakers is Nicky Gumbel, the delightful English barrister turned evangelist and developer of the Alpha program. Here are several nuggets of observation from him: 

“Sir Isaac Newton said, ‘I find intelligence is better spotted when analyzing the questions asked rather than the answers given.’” 

That is worth pondering.  Good questions often reveal more wisdom than impressive speeches. Questions communicate interest. Questions invite understanding. Questions make people feel valued. 

Nicky Gumbel also observed: 

“Often, those who know most speak least. When we are talking, we are usually merely repeating what we already know. When we are listening, we may learn something new.” 

What a simple but profound truth.  Listening is one of the fastest ways to grow. Every person we meet knows something we do not know, has experienced something we have not experienced, or sees life from a perspective we have not considered. But we rarely discover those things if we dominate every conversation. 

He also wrote: 

“Asking good questions is the key to being a good conversationalist.” 

That completely changes the way many people think about communication. We often assume good communicators are the most articulate people in the room. But some of the best communicators are simply the best listeners. They draw people out. They pay attention. They notice details. They ask follow-up questions.  People feel deeply valued when they feel genuinely heard.  It was once said of John F. Kennedy that he made you think he had nothing else to do except ask you questions and listen with extraordinary concentration to your answers. You sensed that, for the moment, he had pushed aside both the past and the future in order to fully focus on you. 

That kind of listening is rare. 

And powerful. 

Perhaps one of the greatest gifts we can give another person today is our undivided attention. No phone. No interruption. No rush to fix, correct, impress, or redirect the conversation back to ourselves. Just attentive presence.  Maybe we should all experiment with this a little more. 

Try asking one more question before offering your opinion. 

Try listening without interrupting. 

Try becoming curious instead of defensive. 

Try allowing silence to do some of the work. 

Enough said. 

I’m going to stop talking now. Join me? 

Feel stuck trying to communicate with your partner? We would love to help you! Contact us to schedule an intake or to learn more about our RINGS program!

This blog is an expanded rewrite of a March 2019 post originally written by Lavern Nissley. Special thanks to Lavern for his thoughtful original insights that inspired this updated version.