Do You Know Who Your Spouse Is Becoming?
By Encompass Connection Center
Republish Staff Archive
The Person You Married Is Still Growing
Early in a relationship, curiosity seems to come naturally.
You want to know everything. What makes them laugh? What stresses them out? What did they dream about when they were younger?
What do they want their future to look like? You ask questions because there is still so much to discover.
Then, somewhere along the way, something can change.
After years together, couples accumulate thousands of conversations, shared experiences, routines, responsibilities, and inside jokes. You know how your spouse takes their coffee.
You can probably predict what they will order at a favorite restaurant. You may even know what they are going to say before they say it.
That familiarity can be one of the comforts of marriage. But it can also quietly convince us that there is nothing new left to learn.
The truth is, the person you married is still changing—and so are you.
Familiarity Can Turn Into Assumption
As life becomes fuller, curiosity can easily be replaced by efficiency.
Conversations become centered around what needs to get done: Who is picking up the kids? What time is the appointment?
Did you pay that bill? What are we doing this weekend? These conversations are necessary.
But when they become most of our conversations, we can begin relating to our spouse based on what we already know about them rather than discovering who they are today.
We assume we know what they think.
We assume we know what they need.
We assume we know what is bothering them.
Sometimes we're right. Sometimes we're responding to a version of our spouse from five or ten years ago.
Your Spouse Is Still Becoming
Think about how much you have changed since you first met your spouse.
Experiences have shaped you. Responsibilities have changed. You have probably learned things, lost things, accomplished things, struggled through things, and discovered new parts of yourself along the way.
Your spouse has, too.
The person sitting across from you today may have different fears, interests, priorities, pressures, hopes, or dreams than they did several years ago.
That doesn't mean you no longer know your spouse. It means knowing someone deeply isn't something you finish.
It's something you keep doing.
Curiosity says, I know you, but I don't assume I know everything about you.
Ask Instead of Assume
Rebuilding curiosity doesn't require turning dinner into an interview or asking a list of deep questions every night.
It can begin with simply noticing and asking.
Instead of assuming, “I know why you're upset,” try asking, “What's been weighing on you lately?”
Instead of assuming their goals haven't changed, ask, “Is there anything you're looking forward to right now?”
Instead of asking only, “How was your day?” try, “What was the best part of your day?” or “What took the most energy from you today?”
You might also ask:
What's something you've been thinking about lately that we haven't talked about?
Is there anything you wish you had more time for?
What has been making you feel encouraged lately?
Is there something you want us to do more of together?
What feels different about this season of life for you?
The goal isn't to find the perfect question. It's to communicate something important: I'm still interested in you.
And when your spouse answers, resist the urge to immediately fix, correct, compare, or explain. Sometimes curiosity simply means giving them room to tell you something you didn't already know.
Curiosity Helps Interrupt the Drift
In our cornerstone blog, Why Marriages Drift Apart (and How to Reconnect), we explored how distance in marriage often doesn't happen because of one dramatic event. It develops through small moments of missed connection—conversations that stay on the surface, bids for attention that go unnoticed, and curiosity that slowly fades.
That also means reconnection can begin in small moments.
One thoughtful question. One conversation that goes beyond the schedule. One moment of putting down the phone and listening a little longer. One opportunity to discover something new about the person you have known for years.
You don't have to recreate the early days of your relationship to keep your marriage feeling alive. The goal isn't to go backward. It's to keep discovering who you're becoming—together.
This week, make some intentional time to be curious about your spouse. Ask a question you genuinely don't know the answer to, listen without assuming you already know what they will say, and create space for a conversation that goes beyond the daily routine.
If you're looking for more practical ways to strengthen your connection, the RINGS Experience can help. This flexible, online relationship education course gives couples practical skills to communicate more effectively, understand one another more deeply, and be more intentional about their relationship.
Because knowing your spouse isn't something you finish. It's something you keep choosing to do.
Ready to Build the Connection Your Marriage Deserves?
The RINGS Experience helps couples strengthen communication, navigate conflict, and rebuild emotional connection — with practical tools that work in real life.
• Learn skills for honest, safe conversations
• Understand patterns that may be creating distance
• Build the foundation your relationship was designed to have
→ Take the Free Relationship Assessment
Put Intentional Connection Into Practice
Looking for a simple way to be more intentional about your connection? Join Encompass Connection Center’s #DateYourSpouseChallenge
and commit to making time for each other beyond the schedules, responsibilities, and routines of everyday life.
Plan an intentional date with your spouse, take a photo together, and share it on Facebook using #DateYourSpouseChallenge.
Be sure to tag Encompass Connection Center so we can celebrate with you—and challenge another married couple to join in!
Follow the Encompass Connection Center Facebook page to participate, see other couples taking the challenge, and find encouragement to
Keep Dating. Keep Connecting. Keep Thriving.