Four Simple Habits That Strengthen Every Relationship

By Lavern Nissley

Encompass Facilitator

Healthy relationships aren’t built on one grand moment—they are formed through small, consistent choices over time. Whether in marriage, friendship, or family life, the way we listen, respond, and connect matters deeply.

Here are four powerful habits that can transform the way you relate to others.

1. Listen by “Sharing the Ball”

Have you ever walked away from a conversation feeling truly heard? It’s a rare and powerful experience. In contrast, we’ve all encountered the conversational equivalent of a “ball hog”—someone who dominates the conversation, constantly steering it back to themselves. Just like in basketball, this approach leaves others feeling overlooked and disconnected. Great listeners do something different: they share the ball.

They:

· Ask thoughtful follow-up questions

· Reflect back what they hear (paraphrasing or “mirroring”)

· Stay curious about the other person

If you’ve ever watched a skilled interviewer, you’ve seen this in action. The focus stays on the other person, creating space for meaningful dialogue.

Try this: In your next conversation, intentionally “pass the ball” back. Ask one more question than you normally would. Reflect what you heard. Watch how the connection deepens.

2. Turn Toward, Not Away

In a well-known study of newlyweds, researchers found a striking difference between couples who stayed together and those who divorced. The couples who thrived had one key habit: they turned toward each other 86% of the time. Those who struggled did so only 33% of the time. What does that mean? According to John Gottman, a “bid” is any attempt to connect—whether it’s a question, a comment, a glance, or even a subtle request for help or attention.

Examples of bids:

· “Hey, look at this.”

· “Can you help me with something?”

· “Let’s put the kids to bed.” (which might really mean, “I need your support.”)

When we turn toward these bids—by acknowledging, responding, or engaging—we build connection. When we ignore or miss them, we slowly erode it.

Try this: Pay closer attention to the small moments. Respond to bids, even the subtle ones. These moments matter more than you think.

3. Recognize Feelings to Increase Empathy

Every day, we experience a range of emotions—anger, joy, fear, sadness, excitement. But many of us move through life without fully understanding what we’re feeling or why.

A powerful relational skill is learning to ask:

· What am I feeling right now?

· What need is connected to this feeling?

When we become more aware of our own emotions, something important happens—we become more empathetic toward others. Empathy is one of the strongest building blocks of healthy relationships. It allows us to move from reacting to understanding, from judging to connecting.

Try this: Pause during your day and name your emotions. Then consider what need is being met—or not met. This awareness will naturally increase your ability to care for others.

4. Add Positives First

When relationships feel strained, our instinct is often to focus on what’s wrong. But that approach tends to pull us further downward, reducing hope and increasing frustration.

There’s a better way.

Healthy relationships operate like a bank account:

· Deposits: encouragement, appreciation, kindness, listening

· Withdrawals: conflict, disappointment, unmet expectations

Withdrawals are inevitable. But when we consistently make deposits, we create a buffer that strengthens the relationship. In fact, starting with positives—before addressing challenges—often leads to better outcomes. It softens the conversation and keeps both people engaged rather than defensive.

Try this: Before addressing a problem, make a deposit. Express appreciation. Acknowledge something positive. Then move into the challenge.

Bringing It All Together

These four habits are simple, but they are not always easy:

· Share the ball in conversation

· Turn toward bids for connection

· Grow in emotional awareness and empathy

· Make regular positive deposits

Practiced consistently, they can transform the tone and trajectory of your relationships. So here’s a simple question to carry with you today: What is one small step you can take right now to strengthen a relationship that matters to you?

This blog is a unified adaptation of content originally written by Lavern Nissley and published in four weekly entries in July 2018. We are grateful for his foundational insights and contribution to this material