Avoid Amy and the emotional escalator with a timeout

By Kermit Rowe

Encompass Relationship Coach

Just blame it on Amy!

That’s the nickname Encompass Connection Center relationship coaches use for a region of the brain called the amygdala. When working with couples, parents, and co-workers, it becomes a helpful (and memorable) way to explain why conversations can escalate into hurtful—even destructive—situations. Left unchecked, “Amy” can get us into trouble.

The amygdala is a small, almond-shaped cluster of neurons located deep within each temporal lobe of the brain. As part of the limbic system, it serves as a primary center for processing emotions—especially fear, anxiety, and aggression. It plays a critical role in survival, threat detection, and emotional memory. In simple terms, it’s our brain’s “survival mode.” It’s what triggers the familiar “fight or flight” response. When we’re operating fully from this part of the brain, there’s little to no space between stimulus and response—we just react. Often, that reaction shows up as anger, and in those moments, we can feel temporarily out of control. Never a good place to be.

But it’s important to remember: God designed our brains this way on purpose. He gave us the amygdala as part of a system that helps keep us safe. At the same time, He gave us free will—the ability to choose love, patience, and grace. That means while “Amy” may sound the alarm, we still have a choice in how we respond. The challenge is that when the amygdala takes over, escalation often follows—unless we recognize what’s happening and intervene.

Think about a typical heated conversation. It might begin with a comment that seems minor to one person but feels significant to the other. The second person responds with a hint of frustration. The first person reacts to the tone, not just the words, and responds with a sharper edge. Before long, both people are caught in a cycle of rising tension—each reaction fueling the next. At that point, it’s like stepping onto an escalator. Once you’re on, you don’t have to do anything to keep moving—it will take you where it’s designed to go. And if you don’t like the destination, you can’t just stand there. You have to step off. In fact, you have to turn around and move in the opposite direction.

The same is true with emotional escalation.

So how do you step off the “escalator”?

First, recognize what’s happening.

The sooner you notice the shift, the easier it is to stop the momentum. The longer you stay on, the harder it is to get back to a calm, productive place.

Second, pause the conversation.

One of the most effective tools is a timeout. I often coach couples to give each other “absolute non-veto power” when it comes to calling a timeout—meaning if one person asks for a break, the other agrees, no questions asked. This protects the health of the relationship. When you call a timeout, be sure to set a time to return. Research suggests the ideal window is between 30 minutes and an hour. Less than that, and emotions may still be too high. Much longer, and it can feel like avoidance or lack of care. When you come back together, try again. If things begin to escalate again, call another timeout. That’s not failure—it’s wisdom. And if it’s late and you’re both exhausted? Agree to pause and revisit the conversation the next day at a set time. Often, a good night’s rest brings a calmer perspective and a greater willingness to compromise.

The plan is simple: recognize, stop, turn around, cool down, and return with the goal of finding a solution together.

It takes effort—but your relationship is worth it.

Struggling to find ways to resolve conflict? Check out our RINGS program for couples, designed to teach you this skill and many more! Feeling like you need to chat with us? Reach out here to schedule!