The One Skill Most Couples Were Never Taught

By Dr David Marine Mabry

Encompass Executive Director

Most couples believe they communicate fairly well. 

After all, they talk every day. They discuss schedules, responsibilities, decisions, and concerns. Conversation is a regular part of life together. 

Yet many of the arguments couples experience are not caused by disagreement alone. More often, they arise from something deeper: one or both partners feeling misunderstood. 

When people feel unheard, even small conversations can become frustrating. 

In many cases the missing skill is not speaking more clearly. It is learning how to listen well. 

Listening may sound simple, but healthy listening in marriage is one of the most important—and least practiced—communication skills couples can develop. 

Why Listening Is Harder Than It Sounds 

Many people assume they are good listeners. But in reality, most of us are trained to listen in a very different way. 

Instead of listening to understand, we often listen in order to respond. 

While our spouse is speaking, our minds may already be preparing a reply, forming a defense, or deciding whether we agree or disagree. Sometimes we interrupt because we think we already understand what the other person is about to say. Other times we assume motives or intentions without asking for clarification. 

These habits are common, and they are usually not malicious. But they can create a subtle pattern where conversations become less about understanding and more about defending positions. 

Over time, this pattern can lead couples to feel as though they are talking past one another rather than truly hearing one another. 

Healthy communication in marriage requires something different: the willingness to slow down and listen with curiosity. 

What Healthy Listening Looks Like 

Listening well does not mean remaining silent while waiting for your turn to speak. It means giving your spouse the experience of being genuinely understood. 

Healthy listening begins with curiosity. 

Instead of assuming what your spouse means, you ask questions that invite clarity. You allow them to finish their thoughts before responding. You show through your posture and tone that you are interested in understanding their perspective. 

Simple practices can make a meaningful difference: 

Ask clarifying questions such as, 
“Can you help me understand what you mean by that?” 

Reflect back what you heard, 
“So what I’m hearing is that today felt especially stressful for you.” 

This is actually one of Theresa’s and my favorite communication habits. When one of us reflects back what the other has said, it slows the conversation down and helps ensure we truly understood each other before responding. 

Slow your reaction long enough to fully understand the concern before responding. 

These practices may seem small, but they communicate something powerful: your perspective matters to me. 

A Simple Listening Practice Couples Can Try 

One helpful exercise many couples find useful is what might be called the pause and reflect method. 

A well-known insight often attributed to Austrian psychiatrist and Holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl captures the idea behind this practice: 

“Between stimulus and response there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” 

In marriage conversations, that small “space” can make a tremendous difference. Instead of reacting immediately, couples learn to pause long enough to truly understand what the other person is saying. 

When one spouse shares something important, the other intentionally pauses before responding. 

First, listen without interruption. 
Allow your spouse to complete their thought without jumping in. 

Second, summarize what you heard. 
Repeat the main idea in your own words to confirm that you understood. 

Third, ask if you understood correctly. 
A simple question like, “Did I capture that right?” gives your spouse the opportunity to clarify. 

This brief practice slows conversations just enough to reduce defensiveness and increase understanding. Many couples are surprised how often tension decreases simply because both partners feel heard. 

Try This 

The next time you and your spouse have a meaningful conversation—whether later today or sometime this week—intentionally practice the pause and reflect method. 

When your spouse shares something important, resist the urge to respond immediately. Instead, pause and reflect back what you heard before offering your perspective. 

You might simply say: 

“Let me make sure I understood you…” 

Habits like this rarely develop automatically. But with a little intentional practice, listening well can become second nature—almost like relational muscle memory. 

Why Listening Changes the Emotional Climate of Marriage 

The reason listening matters so much is that feeling understood creates emotional safety. 

When people feel safe, they are more willing to express concerns honestly. Conversations become calmer and more constructive. Misunderstandings are addressed earlier instead of escalating later. 

Over time, the emotional climate of the relationship begins to shift. Instead of conversations becoming battlegrounds, they become opportunities for deeper understanding. 

Healthy communication in marriage does not require perfect agreement. It requires the confidence that both partners are willing to listen with respect and care. 

Listening as a Relational Skill 

Like many relationship skills, healthy listening is rarely taught directly. Most couples simply assume it should happen naturally. 

Yet listening well often requires intentional practice. 

At Encompass Connection Center, we regularly help couples develop practical communication skills like these through structured conversations and guided learning. Many couples begin with a relationship assessment or introductory meeting to identify areas where their communication patterns could grow stronger. 

Strong communication in marriage begins with many habits, but one of the most foundational is the discipline of listening well. 

When couples learn to truly hear one another, many conversations that once led to frustration begin to create understanding instead.