By Kermit Rowe
Encompass Facilitator
In a time when the technology that connects us is greatest, the challenge fathers face of staying connected emotionally and relationally to their children appears to be the most challenging.
According to the Dads Research Center, about 26.5 percent of U.S. children lack a resident parent in the home, predominantly due to absent fathers, while 36 percent live apart from their biological dads. That percentage holds steady into adulthood as 26 percent of U.S. adults report estrangement from their fathers, compared to 6 percent from their mothers.
So how does a 21st-century father overcome this negative trend and stay connected to his children? Urban Light Ministries, led by founder and CEO Eli Williams, has concentrated on improving these statistics locally and nationally for more than a decade. He has some answers to this question.
Building Strong Bonds Through Intentional Time
“The big part of the answer is relationship, conversations, and building a bond, and that takes spending time with your child,” said Williams, who has written two books on the subject.
“No relationship is strong unless there is quantity relationship and quality relationship. That would look like setting aside time for each child and treating that time like you would a business appointment.
You prioritize it and protect it. “Your child needs to know who you are, and you need to know where they are,” he continued.
“That requires time, and lots of it. As much as possible.” Therein lies a significant part of the problem.
“That is challenging for a father who has a career that demands much of him, or running a business that requires a lot of his time,” said Eli.
“But what does it matter having a successful business and lots of money when you don’t have strong family bonds that make you want to come home and be with your family more than adding a few extra zeroes to your bank account?”
Redefining Success as a Father
Culture is another major part of the challenge.
“It (culture) does exert a lot of pressure on fathers and pushes them to success. But their idea of success is money, and more of it,” he said.
“Regardless of the pressure society puts on us, we’ve got to do things God’s way.” Urban Light Ministries trains fathers by using timeless relationship truths.
“Scripture tells us to love our wives like God loves the church, to love our brother and sister like He loves us and says we ought to be willing to lay down our lives for them,” he said.
“If we do love them, then lay down the golf club, lay down the controller, lay down the overtime.” But why is that so hard to do?
“There are pressures put on us to have success in the world’s eyes when that is not what matters most,” Eli said. “After all, the whole world is passing away.
Love God with all of your heart, soul, and strength, and love your neighbor as yourself. Who is a closer neighbor than your wife and kids?
“We must be the spiritual shepherds of our families, to not only provide for the material needs, but emotional and spiritual needs of our family. These are the things that matter.”
Overcoming Barriers to Fatherhood
He said that navigating the court system is difficult for fathers.
“It can be heartbreaking for a father who wants to be in his children’s lives, but because of a lack of a healthy relationship with the children’s mother, it can be difficult,” he said.
“I’ve had some heartbreaking calls from dads. I try to encourage fathers to do everything they can to navigate the legal system, the child support system, to be with their children as much as they possibly can.
“The children often want their father in their life, but they are being poisoned about him,” he continued. “I remind them that their children will know if he fought hard to be with them when they become adults.
It doesn’t end well when the children feel their father didn’t try to be with them.” The father himself needs a relationship with his children.
“It’s worth whatever it takes to spend time with his children, and to work with their mother, even though there may be a bad relationship between them, to do what’s best for the kids,” he said.
“It requires us to go beyond what is required, to be there in their time of need.”
The Importance of Both Parents in a Child’s Life
Eli pointed to the Bible’s model for family.
“I believe that we’ve been created in the Father’s image, and as a person, we were designed from the beginning to have both a mother and father in the household, raising us with love,” he said.
“That’s the original design. When the father, or the mother for that matter, is not there, there is a hole. When one is missing, it can create a wound in the soul of the child.”
He was quick to acknowledge that not all moms have a partner in parenting. “There are many single mothers out there who don’t have that, and they do an amazing job of raising the children,” Eli said.
“Still, there’s a void there that is felt. The goal is to help the family become a family, because much of the child-rearing is done outside the traditional father-mother.
“We ought to make it a priority to help these families,” he continued. “Then hopefully they will raise children who are more well-rounded, with fewer health, academic, behavior, and criminal issues.
There are better outcomes when they partner together to raise their children.”
Helping Fathers Take the First Step
What’s the first step in helping a father reunite with his kids?
“Beyond praying with him, help him with the practical things he might need,” he said.
“Help them create an assessment of just where they are, determine what their needs are, and connect them to services and resources in the community.”
Eli suggests men get started and don’t give up. “Because when change comes, it’s multi-generational,” he said.
“You're helping him be a better father for his children and giving them a better role model as children. And in turn, they can impact their children. And it goes on and on.”
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