the myths and realities of forgiveness

By Dr David Marine Mabry
​Encompass Executive Director

Many of us grew up with sayings like, “Forgive and forget,” or assumed that forgiving someone meant excusing their actions. But these are myths about forgiveness that can make the journey to healing feel impossible. So today, let’s explore what forgiveness is—and isn’t—to help you find a path forward that feels right for both you and your relationship. ​

1. Forgiveness Isn’t About Forgetting the Hurt 
It’s not realistic to expect yourself to erase painful memories. Forgiveness doesn’t mean pretending that what happened didn’t matter or that it never happened. Instead, think of it as learning from experience and gaining wisdom that will help you navigate future situations more confidently. Moving forward with this new awareness can be a way of honoring the lesson, not the hurt. 

​2. Forgiveness Isn’t Excusing Hurtful Behavior 
 
Forgiving doesn’t mean telling your partner, “What you did was okay,”—especially if it wasn’t. You’re allowed to forgive while setting boundaries. In fact, real forgiveness is often about asserting your needs and being honest about how you feel. You might say, “I forgive you, but I won’t accept being treated that way again.” Forgiveness can be an invitation to change, both in yourself and in the relationship. 
 
3. Forgiveness Isn’t Minimizing the Pain 
 
The effects of a hurtful action often linger, even after you’ve forgiven. Imagine forgiveness as a pebble sinking under the water: while the pebble is out of sight, the ripples from it spread. In the same way, you can forgive while still healing. Give yourself permission to feel the impact of what happened, even as you move toward forgiveness. 
 
4. Forgiveness Doesn’t Always Mean Reconciliation 
 
Forgiveness can be powerful even if it doesn’t lead to reconciliation. In some cases, you may choose to forgive without reconnecting, especially if the relationship is toxic or if reconciliation isn’t safe. Remember, forgiveness is about freeing yourself from the pain—not necessarily reopening doors that should stay closed. 
 
What Forgiveness Really Is 
 
At its core, forgiveness is a choice—a decision to release the desire for revenge or to hold onto resentment. As author Lewis B. Smedes  wrote, “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” Forgiveness liberates you from emotional chains, creating space for growth and peace. 
 
Why Forgiveness Is Good for You 
 
Choosing forgiveness can feel like a gift you’re giving yourself. Here’s why: 
 

•  Forgiveness Helps You Let Go of Pain – You’re free to move forward when you release the hurt. Carrying resentment can weigh you down, but forgiveness lightens that load and lets you walk into the future with hope. 

   

• Forgiveness Frees You from Negative Emotions – We don’t always realize the toll bitterness takes on us until we let it go. That feeling of freedom? That’s what happens when you finally put down the weight of anger or resentment. 

 

• Forgiveness Improves Your Health – Studies have shown that forgiveness contributes to emotional, physical, and spiritual health. It can reduce stress, lower blood pressure, and even improve sleep. When you forgive, you’re investing in your well-being. 

 
When You’re the One Who Needs Forgiveness 
 
If you’ve hurt your partner, remember they’ll need time to work through their feelings. Show patience and allow them the space to process. Accept responsibility for your actions, be open to their emotions, and respect their journey toward healing. Forgiveness is rarely easy, but if approached with care, it can bring you both closer and make your relationship stronger. 
 
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Forgiveness is ultimately a journey—a challenging but rewarding process that allows you to rediscover strength, compassion, and love. Whether you’re forgiving or seeking forgiveness, keep going; there’s growth on the other side of hurt.