Responding to "Transition Episodes" in Relationships

By Lavern Nissley
Encompass Relationship Facilitator

The blog post theme for August is "transition", and I can't hear that word without remembering the birth of our first child, Jessica, in February of 1980. We had done the childbirth classes, and I learned how to support Ronda with a "focal point" and breathing exercises.

We went to Christ Hospital in Cincinnati on the afternoon of February 18 to go through this exciting and memorable experience together. I was intrigued with the technology that measured Ronda's contractions, how you could anticipate them coming and see their relative strength. On several occasions I recall saying, "Oh, this looks like a big one!" Not really helpful or appreciated.

The connection to the word "transition" is etched in both of our memories, and I am not proud of my role in what happened next.

​According to Genevieve Howland in Mama Natural "Transition is the final and most intense part of the first stage of labor, marking the transition (hence the name) from active labor to the pushing stage."

Apparently, this stage is known for the increased intensity and frequency of contractions. Additionally, there are significant physiological and emotional changes as a result of higher adrenaline. Some birth mothers become quite testy during transition, wanting to hurt or kill the father who had a part in making this all happen! (This is a crucial intersection to our experience as you're about to see.)

It was about 9:00 pm at Christ Hospital, and not much was happening. Yes, there were plenty of contractions, but Ronda wasn't yet fully dilated. This was now way past my usual dinner time, so I told Ronda that I was going to the cafeteria for a bite to eat. My memory is that I may have been gone 20-30 minutes. However, this was NOT Ronda's memory - it was more like an hour for her.

When I returned to the room where the delivery would occur, I was not prepared for Ronda's shift in emotional intensity and testiness. SHE WAS IN TRANSITION! And the breathing/calming skills we had learned . . . I hadn't been there to do these TOGETHER!

We got through it, and Jessica Erin Nissley was born around 11 pm on February 18, 1980. What a beautiful baby she was, and we celebrated this new journey of parenthood. But I regret my lapse in support during a pivotal part of Jessica's birth when Ronda most needed me to be there.

In our 45 years of marriage each of has had "transition episodes" that included major shifts in emotional intensity and testiness. They can feel scary and disorienting - making you wonder, "Are we OK?" But we've found several responses that seem to help us through with the person experiencing the episode.

DO's and DON'Ts in responding

• Do validate their emotions
• Don't try to calm them down - especially by TELLING them to calm down
• Do apologize for your own possible contribution to their escalation
• Don't become defensive or turn it into a personal attack
• Do provide reassurance of love
• Don't see them as an enemy - focus on your team relationship

Additional resources are available through Encompass that emphasize productive responses to the intensification of emotions - especially anger. You can access a FREE interactive module in Pathwright right now, How to manage anger productively - taken from our research-based and highly acclaimed relationship skills courses.

IMPORTANT NOTE: Some "transition episodes" may be more advanced and require professional care. If you're experiencing threats of or actual domestic violence, it's important that you reach out for help immediately. Abby Glaser, our Encompass Community Advocate, is well versed and trained to assist you via our Get in Touch page.

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