Mid-Life Moments: Staying Proactive with Parents in Their Twilight Years

By Lavern and Ronda Nissley 
Team Nissley Coaching & Consulting 

A surge of sadness and loss went through me the first time I (Lavern) saw my Dad walking more slowly and hunched over. He had always been active and a rather fast walker. Now he looked like an old man. Fortunately, this image of Dad didn't catch us off guard since we had numerous discussions with Mom and Dad about this stage of life. But it still hit me to see such a vivid picture of irreversible aging. 
 
In 2018, after months of Ronda visiting her parents weekly in London, Ohio (about 45 minutes from our home in Springfield), we arrived at the mutual decision to relocate them to Wooded Glen, a long-term care facility in Springfield. In 2019, we did the same for Lavern's parents, moving them from Arthur, Illinois, to a condo in Springfield. These decisions were fully processed with respective parents and siblings, with the idea that the two of us would take the lead in helping our parents navigate their twilight years. 
 
Only one of those four parents is still living. Lavern's Dad passed in November 2021, his Mom in March 2023, and Ronda's Mom in September 2023. Ronda's Dad is approaching his 95th birthday on August 17. 
 
So, how did this all work out? How were relationships affected? What did we learn about the initiative to care for our aging parents? ​

First, while we don't regret making ourselves available to serve our parents, we are realistic about the toll on any kind of long-term caregivers. It is well documented that caring for aging parents can be deeply meaningful, but it often comes with significant emotional, physical, and financial tolls. 
 
Many caregivers experience burnout, exhaustion, guilt, grief, isolation, health risks, neglecting self-care, unpaid labor, out-of-pocket costs, legal and planning costs. 
 
However, helping our parents cross their finish lines with dignity and support is fulfilling and worth the effort. We're grateful for the many family members, healthcare staff, and friends who participated with us. 
 
The following are a handful of relationship tips and insights that we found to increase relational proactivity and health with our aging parents. A common thread through all of them is  clear expectations. Whether you or your siblings (or other acquaintances) become the primary caregivers, you can provide input on behalf of your parents that helps them finish well. 
 

• Start end-of-life discussions early. Hearing our parents' interests and wishes well before major changes were needed was helpful. For both sets of our parents, these conversations started five to ten years in advance. Starting early allows plenty of time for processing, wrestling with reality, and arriving at tenable solutions. 

• Approach caregiving as a married team. This means no unilateral decisions, as any decision can have a profound impact on both partners. Take the time to discuss options fully and prayerfully, and then move forward in unity. For about thirteen years, we rode a tandem, recumbent bicycle. We climbed some daunting inclines and were most successful when we worked together as a team. 

• Understand and respect the reality of diminishing physical and cognitive function. When we were growing up as children, these elements were increasing. For most people, aging reverses the "growing up" process, and we become more dependent, just like children. Nothing is gained by making light of parents whose physical and cognitive functions are declining. Celebrate their wins while hiding their mistakes and failures in your hearts. 

• Establish clear boundaries while balancing them with grace. For some reason, aging has an adverse effect upon social filters. We may need to establish that certain behaviors are inappropriate, just as in parenting our children. But also, as with our children, we can extend grace and compassion to our parents who may be struggling with loss of autonomy and control. No need to apologize for insisting on their compliance with basic safety. Falls are a major occurrence for aging adults and can be decreased with attention to safety (removing rugs, clutter to trip over, etc.) 

• Encourage financial, legal, and medical transparency. A common tool for this is designating a healthcare and financial power of attorney to "stand in" for parents declining in decision-making abilities. This requires coordination with siblings to determine who might be best suited to assume these roles. A "Transfer on Death" (TOD) designation is a legal tool that allows for the naming of a beneficiary who will automatically receive ownership of certain assets upon your parent's death, without going through probate. NOTE: Consult with financial and legal professionals for best practices and strategies. 

• Make use of respite care resources. You cannot do it all yourselves. Having some time away from the day-in, day-out demands and decisions will allow you to catch your breath and experience refreshment. This may involve siblings or community services dedicated to caregiver relief. 

• Model what caring for your parents looks like to your children. Think of the impact you have in passing along a legacy of proactive, compassionate caregiving to the next generation, who, by the way, will experience the bittersweet adventure of your twilight years. We've already told our children not to take it personally when we start losing our filters and to always remember that we love them deeply. 

 
We're very grateful to Encompass Connection Center for addressing Midlife Moments: Embracing Change and inviting us to share our experience of  Caring for Aging Parents. 
 
A major takeaway for us in the past seven years has been to "set the table" for our children in making our aging as easy for them as possible. This includes things like continually downsizing and disposing of our possessions while we're healthy, pre-paying for our funeral expenses and logistics so that they don't have to bear the burden and providing them with access to financial and legal information related to our estate. 
 
We are available to discuss these elements with you, should you find yourselves in this stage of life and needing some listening ears from someone familiar with it. Contact us at our coaching and consulting website. 
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Four generations in November 2019. Ronda's parents on left, Levi and Cora Miller; Lavern's parents on right, David and Edna Nissley; our daughter and granddaughter in center, Kristen and Ali Frank.

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