Great expectations

By Theresa Mabry
Encompass Director of Operations

Picture this: You’re on your way home after a long day of work, thinking, “I can’t wait to take off these shoes, grab a bite to eat, and have a relaxing evening.” But when you walk in the door, your spouse says, “I assumed you’d want to go out with friends tonight, so I made plans!” Suddenly, your vision of a quiet evening clashes with your partner’s expectation of a fun night out. 
It’s a common scenario, and it all comes down to one word: expectations. In any relationship, expectations can be a powerful force. When shared and understood, they help create a strong foundation. However, when misaligned or unrealistic, they can lead to confusion, disappointment, and conflict. ​

The Role of Expectations in a Relationship 
​Expectations aren’t inherently bad. In fact, they can be very healthy when both partners are on the same page. You expect your marriage to be a partnership where both contribute to the household, parenting, and finances. You expect your partner to remain faithful. You probably expect them not to blow your retirement savings on a boat without discussion! These are fair and healthy expectations, helping to set standards and keep each other accountable. 
When Expectations Get Misaligned 
The trouble starts when expectations go unspoken, or assumptions are made. Assuming your spouse will automatically know what you want or expect is like placing a banana peel on the floor and hoping no one slips. For example, if you grew up with a tradition of ordering pizza every Friday night, you might assume that’s what you’ll do as a couple. Imagine your surprise when your spouse is serving up homemade stir fry on the first Friday after your wedding. Or, maybe you both assumed the other would handle the electric bill but never actually discussed it—cue a romantic dinner in the dark. 
Misalignment of expectations can create unnecessary tension, especially when neither of you knew you were on different pages in the first place. 
The Danger of Unrealistic Expectations 
Another pitfall is having expectations that are simply unrealistic. If you enter a marriage expecting your partner always to make you happy, you’re setting yourselves up for disappointment. Even the happiest couples know that no one can fulfill that expectation 100% of the time. Over time, these unrealistic expectations can lead to frustration, hurt, and resentment. 
Think back to when you were engaged. What expectations did you have for your life together? Maybe you imagined a love story from a romance novel with passionate moments, no arguments, and an unchanging attraction. You might have thought, “We’ll never fight. We’ll always look this good. Our kids will adore us forever.” This dreamy outlook is known as idealistic distortion, and while it’s sweet, it’s not rooted in reality. 
How to Avoid the Pitfalls of Expectations 
The good news is that these pitfalls are avoidable! The key? Clear and consistent communication. If you catch yourself thinking, “I assume…” about your partner, pause and start a conversation instead. A quick chat can prevent misunderstandings before they even happen. 
Here are some practical steps to align your expectations: 

• Check-in regularly: Make time to discuss your expectations—both big and small. This check-in could happen during a weekly coffee date or over dinner. 

• Be honest about your needs: Share what you hope for, what you need, and what you can compromise on. It builds trust and helps your partner understand where you’re coming from. 

• Use conflict resolution tools: When expectations clash, use your conflict resolution skills to find common ground. With time, your understanding of each other’s needs and desires will deepen, and many potential issues can be avoided before they even arise. 

Wisdom for the Journey 
Misaligned or unrealistic expectations don’t make you a bad partner, nor do they mean you’re mismatched as a couple. Often, we don’t even realize these assumptions exist until they go unmet. When that happens, use it as an opportunity to learn, grow, and strengthen your relationship. With wisdom and open communication, you can turn unmet expectations into a chance for deeper understanding and a stronger future together. 
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Proverbs 24:14 says, “Know also that wisdom is like honey for you: If you find it, there is a future hope for you, and your hope will not be cut off.”