Freedom from conflict?

By Dr. David Marine Mabry
Encompass Executive Director

Can you achieve freedom from all conflict?  No.  

Can you experience freedom from unresolved conflict that can wear your relationship down? YES!

Here are five skills you will need. 
 

No couple is immune from conflict, no matter how solid they seem. Even Snow White and Prince Charming would have found something to butt heads about if she hadn’t slipped into a poison apple-induced coma! At the beginning of a marriage, some couples may envision navigating every situation gracefully without any issues, but life doesn’t usually work out that way. That said, there are some tips we would like to share to help you minimize and get through those rocky periods with as little damage as possible and experience a newfound freedom in your relationship. 
 Here are the five skills to help you experience freedom amid inevitable conflict: 

1. Avoid avoidance - It’s unhealthy to avoid conflict with one another. Suppose a major offense or hurt in your relationship goes unaddressed for too long. In that case, those unspoken feelings will find their way to the surface as bitterness, resentment, frustration, and/or an unhealthy explosion of emotions. Learn to let minor offenses roll off your back, but if it’s truly something that needs to be addressed, be assertive. Assertiveness is not to be confused with aggressiveness. Expressing your feelings while respecting yourself and the other person is healthy. Tell your partner what you want more or less in your relationship and explain how you would feel if that happened. 
2. Define the disagreement - People are complicated. It’s possible to get angry about something without realizing we’re actually angry about something else. The complaint, “We always go to the restaurant you choose,” could actually mean, “I feel like my choices are never considered. It makes me feel unheard and unvalued.”  However, the argument about restaurant choice could continue for a long time without anyone realizing there is more below the surface. When you feel your emotions bubbling up, try to understand what’s causing you to feel that way. Before a conflict gets out of hand, be sure both parties have defined what the disagreement is about. Equipping yourselves with tools like problem-defining skills and problem-understanding skills can be invaluable in ensuring you’re well-prepared before the problem starts. 
3. Own your part in the conflict - For many people, it takes an effort to dial back the emotions and move to the thinking part of your brain, but it is necessary to come to a resolution. Step back and look at the situation objectively to identify your contribution to the conflict. Although there may be times when you’re completely blameless, there is often something, however small, you could have done differently.  
4. Present options - Like the prior step, this step is much more manageable if you’re not overly emotional. Present one another with possible ways to resolve the conflict and discuss. Brainstorm as many ideas as possible before starting the negotiation so you have plenty of options to talk about. Speak your mind and be assertive, but be sure you’re not steamrolling your partner. Both parties should have a voice, be heard, and be understood. 5. 
5. Work together on a mutually agreed upon solution - Decide which option you’ll try as a team. Commit to resolving it as a team. If it’s successful, celebrate and reward one another when you achieve it. If it’s not, it’s ok! Readjust and recommit when you’re off the mark.  

 ​If you do these five things, you will enjoy freedom within conflict rather than from conflict! 

Relationship coaching is extremely successful in helping couples experience greater confidence in positively resolving conflict. Reach out to the Encompass team today to find out how to get the support you need.
The RINGS Experience