The Power of Everyday Moments in Marriage

Faith and Keith Bosland.

By Faith Bosland
​Encompass Board President

Looking back, there were some pretty good reasons for my husband Keith and I not to take that RINGS class. 

At the time, back in 2011, our kids were 5 and 3. Life with two little kids and two full time jobs felt like rollerblading on a treadmill most days, and Sunday afternoons – when our church was inviting us to come to 3 weeks of RINGS classes – were one of the precious little bits of downtime in the chaos. Could it really be worth that sacrifice?

On top of that, we felt like our marriage was doing pretty well. We’re both easygoing people and had never had a lot of conflict or arguments. We both felt like we knew how to communicate well. 

But we’d heard good things about the RINGS workshop – so we gave up our Sunday downtime (goodbye, naps) for three weeks and went. 

Fourteen years later, those two squirrelly little kids are now pretty great young adults. I can’t say I remember exact “aha moments” or statements made in those three sessions. But I can tell you that RINGS has impacted our relationship and our family greatly, and here’s why:

RINGS taught us a practice for regular communication. It taught us how to make space to talk to each other about what was happening in our lives and in our relationship and gave us a pattern to follow. And we’ve continued to practice the RINGS talk for 14 years since then. 

I’ve realized as I get older that the things that deeply impact my life are not just the things I simply believe in or say I value – but what I practice. What I commit to doing with a regular rhythm. 

I might fully believe in the importance of toothbrushing – but if I don’t actually practice it every day, my teeth won’t stay healthy.

I might know that exercise is really important – but if I don’t put on my running shoes and start moving every day or most days, my cardiovascular system is going to deteriorate. 

We might love and value our spouse, but if we don’t practice communication – if we don’t make space and if we don’t have a regular rhythm for it – our relationship can develop cracks over time that may deepen into chasms. 

RINGS is an acronym for five pieces of communication with your partner (at least, this is the version we’ve been practicing for 14 years!):

REAL - how are you really feeling right now?
INFORMATION - what’s coming up that I need to tell my spouse about?
NEED - what requests do I need to make of my partner?
GRATITUDE - what do I need to tell my spouse “thank you” for?
SOMEDAY - what dreams or hopes do I have, or what am I looking forward to?

It’s not rocket science. But neither is toothbrushing. Neither is going for a walk. And yet the regular practice of sometimes ordinary habits are the things we look back on and realize – they’ve helped us flourish. 

An old proverb says that the best time to plant a tree is 25 years ago. The second best time is right now. 

If you haven’t taken the RINGS class yet – why not do it now? You and your partner can take it online. Or your church can host a workshop just like ours did. You can even become a RINGS facilitator to help other couples find healthy practices for communication. 

In fact, Keith and I are taking a page from our own previous story and going through RINGS again (even though we could still come up with some pretty good reasons not to)!

There’s never a wrong time to invest in your marriage. There’s only an inconvenient time. And when we look back in a few decades, I believe we’ll see the impact and the flourishing that results from the things we put into practice now.

Reach out to Encompass today. Take the free relationship assessment. Invest in something to impact your relationship and family for a lifetime.