Showers of . . . Grief

By Lavern Nissley
Encompass Executive Director

April is known for its showers that produce flowers in May. So our blog posts this month will focus upon "Showers of . . ." as it relates to healthy relationships.

Loss, grief, and sadness are a fact of life. Not something we can get away from. It can have a profound negative and debilitating effect upon us as individuals, but also upon relationships with others. What are some grief tips that we can implement to promote relationship health?

My younger brother, Ken, who lives in Indianapolis, lost his wife, Terri, to breast cancer last December 26 after 33 years of marriage. She passed in the hospital at 1:44 am after a valiant struggle (Ken believes) NOT to die on Christmas Day. His notification call to me that next morning is unforgettable.

Ken and Terri Nissley, married 33 years

​My much younger sister, Karen, from Austin, Texas and I have been in an ongoing text thread along with Ken dating back months before Terri passed. And we've continued in the months since. It's given all of us some definite handles to reference best practices when the showers of grief pass over us. Here are 2 "don'ts" and 2 "do's".

• DON'T avoid talking about loss with someone who has experienced it. Our intuition tells us that if someone has lost a loved one, that's painful (and it is); therefore, don't bring up painful topics. But just the opposite is true. Grieving people for the most part DO want to talk about their journey. And it's a good idea to listen, listen, and listen some more.
• DON'T rush the healing/recovery process of grief. It's a marathon, not a sprint. Ken told me that from some grief recovery resources he's acquired the sense of loss will never go away, but it will change over time. The first year is the hardest and can be quite disorienting. So, whether you're the one grieving or you're a friend of the one grieving, allow plenty of time. Avoid expressions like "You/I should be over this by now." Emotions just are, and they aren't regulated by a clock.
• DO lean into the grief, painful though it may be. A metaphor from animal life illustrates the idea of "running toward the roar." Female lions are faster than male lions, so the strategy is to have them stalk prey from behind while the scary roar of the male lion sends prey running away from the roar. Easy pickings for the lionesses! Grief counselors and coaches advocate letting yourself go toward the grief, rather than trying to escape it or deaden it. Experience it fully.
• DO move toward people rather than away from them. Isolation kills while intimacy with others revives and refreshes. You're not alone. Let others who are supportive and healthy into your journey of grief. Moving toward people may include comforting others in grief. I love seeing how my brother, Ken, has done this in "random" meetings with people he's just met. Learning of a loss, he spends a little extra time with them and makes that the topmost priority.

Hospice and GriefShare have many wonderful tips and resources to help those who are recently affected by loss. We hope your experiences with grief (your own and those around you) are occasions for strengthening rather than weakening relationships. We're here to help or direct you to those who can.